33. Love squared

I love that I haven’t posted an update in nearly three months, and my last post was about love.

I have been with the most amazingly loving, intelligent, and respectul man for the past two years as of today, and I couldn’t be happier.  I feel like I got it right this time.

32. love

I remember being alone most of the time, wondering why every one else was in love and i wasn’t. I wanted whatever it was that was so fantastic.

Then I woke up one morning and I was in love with someone who had the absolute audacity to love me back. and it was beautiful, and it was painful, and it was exciting, and it hurt so much, and then it was over.

I kept a hole in my heart for a very very long time. After plenty of self therapy (healthy or unhealthy as it were) the pain began to subside a bit, and I went right back into the same ‘alone’ world all over again. But this time I knew exactly what it was that I was missing…that ‘fantasticness’ that everyone seems to go bonkers over.

“I’d like the same thing as last time, hold the foolish irresponsibility, and add some extra reality this time please. Thank you.”

Adulthood is difficult, but I think I did pretty good.

31. religion, politics, and bears, OH MY.

I was thinking today, which i tend to do merely because there’s nothing that pisses a politician off more than a free-thinking indivisual.  I was thinking about politics v.s. religion, which we all know are two very dangerous topics, and even more dangerous when combined (like bleach and amonia).  It’s just mind-numbing, the evil that is done the name of ‘The Almighty’, and the harmless and innocent people supporting those actions because they’ve been mislead to believe that they are genuinely doing the work of God.  I’m not referring to any one or any group in particular. I don’t feel like getting into the Middle East, or even Beck and Palin… just the thought process itself behind that kind of manipulation. I do not personally partake in any kind of traditional religion. Yes i go to church (Unitarian universalist) but I do not consider myself a traditional christian. I don’t believe that Jesus turned water into wine or walked on water or did anything even remotely theatrical. Why is it that we always need to be entertained or JAZZED about something in order to consider it magical, thus worthy of our participation? Why can’t love itself be magical? Why does someone need to turn water into wine in order to show you how to love? This doesn’t mean that I don’t think Jesus existed or that he should be any less praised or loved than he is now, I just don’t believe in praising Him the way modern Christians do.

I remember conjuring a mental image as a child, based on something a family member told me. She said “The bible says that the Devil hides in church”. I immediately imagined a giant crimson red beast with horns and blood dripping from his snout wearing a floral dress, crisp white gloves, and a huge HUGE hat covered in bows and flowers trying to be as inconspicuous as possible while sitting in the last pew on the First Sunday. Obviously years later, i relize that’s not entirely the case. Now I see how right winged hate mongers use their christianity and the fact that they’re on ‘THE RIGHT HAND OF GOD” as a tool to spread hatred to the rest of Gods children. And then, those who grow up in the church and who try to be good people somehow get wrapped up in this, and they too begin to spread the hatred they hear on Fox News, go to teabagging parties, or believe that the President wasn’t born here. It’s such sheep mentality, and it breaks my heart because those sheep just don’t know. They’re victims of their own ignorance, and i want to run through that herd and set them free.

30. Breathe in…

Breathe in…
I accept my pain.
Breathe out…
I realize that I am not my pain.

Breathe in…
I accept my past.
Breathe out…
I realize that I am not my past.

For some reason during these past few weeks, my mind unwittingly ventures into that deep little closet located somewhere near my left frontal lobe (i just made that up, i really don’t even know what a right frontal lobe means, but somehow it makes me feel smart) where I keep all of the negative memories of all of the things that have hurt me. Things that I did with no regard to how it would effect me in the long run. Things that I allowed other people to do to me because of my low regard of self worth. For one reason or another, I have recently allowed those memories to come forth and slip into my dreams. I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. I look around my room and at the wonderful man sleeping next to me, and I feel like I’m living a lie. I feel like I don’t deserve to live where I do, to be in such a loving nurturing and supporting relationship, to not need like i’ve needed my entire life. I’ve somehow allowed my daddy issues to resurface. He pops his head in to remind me how unloved I am, and that no matter how it may seem otherwise, the truth remains.
I have to remember how much he lies.
Today, based on a developing family storyline, I’m realizing that I have no control over what people do, or what they’ve done. I am trying, and I think that what i currently have is wonderful. I love the life I’m leading now, and I cannot change the past. I cannot change the stupid mistakes that I’ve made. I can do nothing about what people think of me now, or have thought of me. I can only do what I know to do. I can only give the unbroken pieces of myself to those who are willing to take it. I cannot allow my father, my exes, my failed friendships, my failed jobs, my stupid mistakes, embarrassing moments, or my old insecurities that resurface uninvited to influence my present life.
I’m not my father.
I’m not the same Arie that I was when I was in other and more immature relationships.
I’m not the same Arie that needs to please you at the expense of me.
I’m not the same Arie that follows.
I’m not my past.

I AM my art.
I am opinionated.
I am learning.
I’m loving freely and responsibly.
I’m taking care of myself, and not at the expense of anyone/thing.

And I’m also letting go. I don’t want to be angry anymore. I don’t want this dark little closet in my frontal lobe. I want its contents to mix with my other realities, for everything to be relative. I don’t want to harbor animosity. I want those who have hurt me in the past, to no longer have any hold over me. I want those people to move on and lead their lives. I don’t want old Arie to have any hold over me. I want to go on and lead my life. I want to keep all of those memories as fuel rather than a burning fire that hinders me from moving on. A fire that burns the word ‘failure’ over every inch of my skin until I can’t take the pain anymore and I need to purge purge purge…

I’m trying.

29. Texts from last night

TEXTS FROM LAST NIGHT

Just found the most hilarious website. Please go there and giggle to yourself for no less than 15 minutes.
here’s my favourite:

(718): what happened last night?
(917): u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
(718): that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left

hahahahha holy god

28.Got my blood pressure all high and $h!t…

I was minding my own business. Life was going pretty well actually; just finished watching a funny movie while snuggled up on the couch.

I’d prepared myself a nice little bowl of fruity cheerios to enjoy right before bed, when I noticed that poor Falkor’s kitty bowl was low. Well what kind of mama would I be, were I to leave said kitty bowl empty all night? So I sauntered into the laundry room and retrieved the dry food.

That’s when it happened.

As I turned to leave the laundry room and something told me (a voice from the heavens, perhaps?) to look down, and that’s when I discovered this giant mothereffer scurrying around my feet:

wolf spider

It’s safe to assume that I lost my shit. The little bastard ruined my night, and made my fruity cheerios all soggy. Even after Daniel killed it (yes, I’m a hypocrite. Save the whales and the chickens, but fuck the spiders dude) I’m still pretty freaked out. I wont be able to go into the laundry room for the next couple of days. I had to be supervised while cleaning the kitty litter.

Ridiculous.

27. Beautiful Remake